POKEY POKEY

I have always been a reserved kind of person. I usually don’t feel the need of being social everywhere. I am always in search of “birds who have feathers like me” so that I can flock with them. But my feathers are really rare and extinct and that leaves me sitting alone. So, I turn to facebook because I get to meet my old school mates and class mates and I feel connected to them. This makes me even more introvert. I hardly sit with my neighbourhood bhabhiji’s for the round table gossip sessions. I remain totally unavailable for any group activity with them. This has made my persona very suspicious and unambiguous for them. Especially for one particular neighbour of mine.

 I call her pokey. She has been christened with this name by me because of her desperate attempts to poke in my life. She is an M.Gos. No, that’s not a newly invented master’s degree in any educational institution. It’s master’s in gossiping and this name is also given by me. Now let me tell you who pokey is. She is a menace of my life. Her sole reason for existence on this earth is to poke in my life. She doesn’t leave any chance to do what she was born to do. We, human beings have one nose. But she has a pair of noses. One is for breathing and the other is for poking. She lives exactly opposite my flat. We have doors facing each other. That makes me entirely vulnerable. Every time my main door opens she comes out to catch a peek.

I remember this one finicky day. My husband was about to leave for his work. He has this habit of singing songs aloud. He sings whatever he feels like singing. Some old Kishore Kumar songs or some new item number. Just anything that comes to his mind impetuously. After a quixotic bye, he left for work singing “tere mast mast do nain” from Dabang. I was still at the door waiting to wave at him before he enters the elevator. Pokey dear also opened her door to perform her God given task of peeping in my life and poking at me. After I waved at hubby dear and the elevator zoomed downwards, Pokey asked me this brainless question. “Aaj bhaisaab bahot mood mein hai, kya baat hai?  Hmmmm” she winked at me brazenly after cracking that super silly question. Trying to find some time to think for a reasonable answer to that explicitly dumb question, I asked her what made her think that her bhaisaab was very happy. She blabbered almost jumping with her broomstick in her hands, “Kaisa mast gaana gaa rahe the”.  I was still not able to burrow the illogical corner of my mind for a suitable juvenile answer to the super silly question, but still, I instantly gave an absurd answer. I told her that we play antakshari at home in the morning before he leaves for office. Oooopppsss. What a wacky statement. But I was sure; this was enough to satisfy Pokey.

She had a meek snicker. But she was quite contented with my answer. I was about to close the door thinking that I had the last laugh finally when she jumped with her broomstick at a cobweb on the corner of her door, bombarding me with yet another super silly question. “Tumne kaun sa gaana gaya tha jiska last akshar “t” tha?” I couldn’t believe she actually asked it. She had actually believed the antakshari story and she was poking me to answer more questions on the nutty story. I instantaneously realized what a huge mistake I had made by giving her that bizarre answer. I hadn’t had my proper breakfast yet and I didn’t have the energy to dig in the illogical corner of my mind once again to come out with some song ending with the letter “t”. I just gave a smile and told her that my li’l daughter was awake and needed me. She knew she had won the battle. “Mai thodi der ke baad aaungi tumhare ghar pe”. These were her victory expressing words. I closed the door and bounced back in my house like a helpless bullied child.

There are many many more Pokey stories and I am sure my stories will help many of my friends handle such similar personalities in their lives. Keep reading for more Pokey Pokey!!!

the 100rs formula

Last weekend we went out for a movie. The last version of a famous series. It had a world full of magic. The Harry potter series ended with this one. We were all very excited as we were going for a movie after about 6 long months. I hadn’t seen any movie since then. My li’l toddler, my 1 year old daughter, was really li’l last time I brought her to the theatre. I was just hoping that she doesn’t fuss around and let me have some time watching the movie and munching the popcorns. We had got our tickets a day before and were all charged to have a great time with Harry. We entered the multiplex 15 minutes before the show was going to start. We made all our purchases. The popcorn tub, the cold drinks, the samosas and the mineral water bottle. I had the baby stuff with me too. The milk bottle, 2 diapers, the rashfree lotion and a sipper. We then got in the theatre hall and got ourselves seated on our seats. The movie was about to begin within 5 minutes. The theatre was packed with audience and most of them were college students.

 Our seats were right in the middle of the balcony area. Every passerby got a clear view of all of us. My li’l bundle of innocence started her baby babbling once she was settled in my lap with popcorn in her mouth. She started making sounds which sounded like some cats and rats playing a rock band. Baah baah buuushkuuu…….. baaah baah bhuchkaau……something like this. Some of the college girls found it very fascinating and turned to my li’l gibberish singer in delight. They asked me how old she was. They didn’t bother to hear my answer and were totally engrossed in watching this bundle of pleasure. Their expressions clearly showed how much free fun and pleasure my li’l one was giving them. One of the two girls took my daughter in her arms and started talking to her in a baby lingo. She was amused when my li’l one started laughing at her and provoked her to blather more. The other girl hurriedly called other fellow students and gathered them to show the “free baby show” right before our seats. My hubby was enjoying the honour of being the” father of the star”but the mob of these asinine college girls was making me very bumpy. I tried to take my daughter in my arms but this li’l pixie was not ready to come to me and started dropping her ersatz tears leaving me even more frantic. I had to lend her back to the college girl to avoid my baby from crying. Thankfully, the movie started with a bugle and all the girls settled in their seats. Their seats were behind ours and I could listen to their voice clearly. “ketli phine chhe, kevi massst hase chhe”. They were still talking about my li’l one and I knew that this was not the end to the story. The movie moved on in full swing. Potter ready to give a final fight to the lord of death. It was intermission time soon.

I was keeping my fingers crossed as I didn’t want the swarm of the girls behind us to attack our space once again. Alas! The fingers were not crossed to perfection I guess. The GANG was back. Not only back but back with a banggg! They had planned this age old sport to make my li’l one chuckle. They were nearly 8 girls. All of them filled their cheeks with air and took a pause for a second. I and my hubby were totally flabbergasted to see such a sight. Eight odd girls standing right in front of us with full air filled cheeks. Gruesome sight. They were looking like the nitrogen packed chips packets waiting to be burst open. After the pause, all of them gave a big synchronized blast by banging their palms on their cheeks. We were aghast and disgusted and hadn’t faced anything like this before. There were saliva drops mixed with the smell of popcorns and samosas all over our face. Eeeeks! How could they? What were they upto? Had someone given them ‘supari’ for embarrassing us before the whole theatre crowd? I was totally loosing control over the situation. The quirky game was so enjoyable for our li’l one that she started laughing aloud. The real torture began after that. The GANG was convinced that this game will provide them with many more big laughs from the baby. They started all over again and repeated the malevolent act nearly 58 times all at a stretch. I wondered if there was a sport like this in Olympics, this gang of girls would have bagged a gold, no no, diamond medal for their outbursting performance. I had no choice but allow my space to be intruded and fake a laugh at their activities as my li’l pixie was aggravating the GANG to perform even better with each cheek blast. After a series of cheek blasts and an awful dribble rain, the intermission was over and the gang had to go to their seats. I took out some tissue papers and wiped the “rain drops” murmuring some forbidden words for the dribblers. My hubby also borrowed the tissue paper and looked at me in dismay. Then I took a long breath and relaxed.

 I told myself that it was all over. There will be sunshine after the rains for sure. We shall overcome, we shall overcome. I was determined to not think about anything but enjoy my movie. Within an hour the movie was over. Potter destroyed his biggest enemy, voldemort and a whole Harry potter era came to an end. We were out towards the McDonald’s, which is situated at the ground floor of the multiplex, for grabbing a happy meal. But I was still hearing something at the back …and my li’l one was laughing at someone. To my utter surprise, almost shockingly I turned back to see that the GANG was following us! My li’l darling had become a celebrity now with quite a “fan following”. I could now imagine the plight of poor celebrities who are in constant endeavor of being unrecognized. It’s a difficult thing being known and followed by unwanted fans. Coming back to the present scenario, now I was also constantly thinking of definitive measures to save our dinner time from the invasion of the GANG. The girls were in full mood of having a grand show and some absolutely free entertainment from my baby dear. We were experiencing a very different form of eve teasing here. The difference being that the eves were culprits and not the victims in our case. I know that the GANG had no idea how they were turning out to be villains much bigger than voldemort for me spoiling my precious family weekend time. I wont let my ‘happy meal ‘turn in to a ‘saddy’meal.I hadn’t enough tissues to cope with the dribble rain all over again. They must be made to realize it. But how?

Finally we all were at the McDonalds and I was still thinking desperately of some way of getting rid of the GANG. Suddenly, one of the GANG girls asked me to click a photo of her with my celeb baby. A very weird, rather irrational idea struck me in a flash. I once again faked a smile and said “sure, it will only cost you 100 bucks for one photo with the baby”.  I could experience a sudden fall of interest in the Gang’s eyes. When they discovered that this fun was not for free and they will have to shell out their precious pocket money for just getting clicked with the baby whom they had made a rockstar by showing overwhelming interest in her company, they were startled and were still looking at me as if I would just say that I was joking. But after a couple of seconds they knew that I was damn serious and that it was the end of their “intrusion trail”. Without even saying a humble bye to their own created star, they all left the place leaving us in succor and solace. After they left us, I still couldn’t believe what I had said and done. My hubby was also having a good laugh at the episode and I was happy that finally, I got my space back with my family and kids. My husband, still guffawing started humming a song…..”The whole thing is that ki bhaiyya sab se bada rupaiyya”, giving a good lyrical end to the chapter.

THE PAPAD ROASTING CEREMONY REDEFINED

My aunt is very excited today. Her one and only son has finally agreed to get married and has also “finalized” a girl from the various photographs presented to him. The girl is educated, fair, slim and ‘looks like Katrina’ as told to me by my aunt. She has done her masters in computer applications and works in a reputed IT firm earning a whopping 70000 per month. Everything is just perfect till now. My aunt is preparing for a meeting with the girls family. She has only seen the girl, her anticipatory daughter in law, in photograph. Tomorrow she will meet her in person. She has been waiting for this day since her son was born. She is super excited to become a mother in law. She became nostalgic when she remembered how her mother in law had come to see her for the first time 30 years back.

My aunt was still in her teenage and very shy and reserved. She recalls that she was shivering when her would be mother in law expressed her desire to be with her in the kitchen for a while. She then told my aunt to roast a papad there and then. My aunt, still shivering, took out a papad from the papad box and roasted it to perfection within few seconds. Her mom in law took the papad in her hands. She looked at it carefully turning it two three times. Then she smiled and called my aunt’s mom and confirmed that she liked my aunt and that she will be very happy to have her in their family.

My aunt was all amused and astonished and couldn’t believe that the papad was her destiny decider for that moment!! Later after marriage my aunt asked her mom in law about the “papad roasting ceremony”. She then unfolded the secret that this particular ceremony was very important in choosing the right daughter in law. The papad roasting was used to determine the kitchen skills of a girl. The perfect roasted papad must be clean, without any black spots. The girl should be able to handle the heat of the stove and simultaneously roast the papad to perfection taking the least time possible. The roasted papad was like a symbol of what the girl will make out of her relationships and how will she handle the heat and stress involved in marital life. My aunt was all convinced that it was a brilliant method of choosing a good and perfect daughter in law. She had decided at that time itself that she will also carry forward the age old tradition, “the papad roasting ceremony” to choose her daughter in law.

So many years have passed since then. And tomorrow is the day when she will be the “esteemed judge” who will witness and judge the “papad roasting ceremony” of her would be daughter in law. My aunt took out her best salwar kameez for the next day. She was all prepared to meet her new relatives. Finally, the day had come. Time to go. My aunt wanted me to accompany her so that she can have a second opinion!! We all reached the girl’s house. The house was neat and clean. Properly accessorized for the occasion. The girl looked more beautiful than her photograph. She wore a simple pink and white salwar kameez and had silky straight hair spread over her shoulders making her look very naïve and sweet. After some formal talking, my aunt whispered something in the girl’s mother’s ears. I understood that finally the time had come to accomplish the “papad roasting ceremony”.  Then the girl’s mother ordered her daughter to show us their kitchen. The girl stood up with poise and escorted us to the kitchen. The kitchen was also all clean and tidy and just one glance at it told a lot about the cleanliness regime practiced in the house. It was equipped with the latest gadgets and food processors which were placed very systematically. My aunt couldn’t wait any longer and in a hushed voice she told the girl to roast a papad. The girl looked amazed but without wasting a single moment she took out the papad box. She took out 5 papads, placed them in the microwave and switched it on. Within 30 seconds we had 5 evenly roasted papads before us. My aunt gave a smile and looked at me. She then told me to call the girl’s mother. I was not sure what the decision was. Was the girl selected or rejected?? With thoughts clouding my mind, I called the girl’s mother and we all gathered in the kitchen. My aunt then extended her arms towards the girl and gave her a hug. I understood that the girl had passed the papad test and she was a member of our family now. Rest of the time passed quickly. We then came out of their house and started proceeding towards our car. I was desperate to know that how did the “redefined papad roasting ceremony” help my aunt choose the girl? I asked her that wasn’t she shocked to see the papad being roasted in the microwave? The heat- stress formula, implemented by my aunt’s mother in law, was not applicable today. Then what made her decide that the girl was the right one?

My aunt told that the girl was clever enough to understand that it will take the same time to roast one papad or 5 papads and she opted for roasting 5. This showed she could take correct cost and time effective decisions and be the perfect match for her son in the modern times. I also agreed and saluted the “papad roasting ceremony, which though redefined gave the expected results.